Ah, Dina. You said a mouthful. I once read a study that said if a teacher calls on girls more than 30% of the time, boys think the girls are being called on more than the boys. It speaks volumes, doesn't it? I once had a boss tell me I think like a man. I told him that's not the compliment he thinks it is. He had the good graces to look mortified and apologize.
Oh yes, right up there with the women talking too much myth. That’s an old favorite, isn’t it. It’s just when you are used to NO women talking, 30 percent seems like the majority of the time. I’m glad he looked mortified, and I hope he learned something that day.
I would be happy to follow the rules if men returned the favor. It’s always been the double standard that’s the problem. Women are always seeing themselves through the eyes of men. We have to, for our safety and survival. If we are capable of doing so, then so are men. The old saying “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” should be “what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.” Equal treatment, equal access, equal empathy, equal rules. That’s all we’re asking for. That’s all we’ve ever asked for. It’s actually quite simple.
So like Jane Austen? Harper Lee? J. K. Rowling? (okay, maybe not) Maya Angelou? Emily Dickinson. Rachel Carson. Louisa May Alcott. Harriet Beecher Stowe. Margaret Atwood. Charlotte Bronte. Emily Bronte. Virginia Woolf. Agatha Christie. Toni Morrison. Gloria Steinem. My late wife’s favorite author, romance novelist Betty Neels. I mean, “write like a girl” covers a lot of ground. He needs to be more specific.
All of the above (with the exception of J.K…)? Yes, please, and thank you very much. We know how he meant it, exactly as it landed on my once youthful ears. I can’t tell you the number of discussions I have had, in this decade, with literature teachers and their syllabi that are almost still exclusively white, European males. (And, in honor of your late wife, I will look for Betty Neels—and I am very sorry for that loss) x
She is one of my favorite authors. I highly recommend The Left Hand of Darkness. Thinking about gender issues, it’s mind blowing. Masterful. One of my top ten books.
Not at all. I suggest starting with the short story “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” which can actually be found online though I don’t have a link handy.
But everyone recognizes it as the insult it is meant as. The worst thing anyone can be is feminine. (Fwiw, I do think that has changed somewhere between when I grew up and now. A little…)
Fully agree, but I've had the unfortunate notion all my life that I should try to force awareness by pushing back one stupid comment at a time. (haha). I'm 65 and a bit tired.
That's not an unfortunate notion, it's the only thing you can do when faced with that shit. Thanks for keeping it up, as I've no doubt you'll continue to do.
Men never ever acknowledge the truth of women's lives, the alertness to unseen dangers surrounding us, even as little girls. The multiple sexual exposures of genitalia started when I was a 9-year-old,, when I was wheeling my baby brother's stroller down a country road. And multiple events since childhood. So it happens to boys too? Yeah, we know. But we look at the perps who are often family friends or relatives. So nowhere is safe. Yeah, we write about all of that in a hostile male environment, men don't READ women's work. We just whine.
I think that if more women’s stories were taught in schools, at home, maybe our stories wouldn’t be so foreign. Women, after all, have learned to see themselves in the abstract in the stories of men, stories that are presented as universals, why can’t the same be true for boys and men? If nothing else, additional exposure will surely help build empathy.
Love this. Every single rule made me smile and nod in grim acknowledgment. I'd only add: gratitude. There's nothing more ugly than an ungrateful woman. So, don't forget to be grateful... for everything you've been given... or granted (certainly the vote was given, not earned)... grateful that you haven't been stuffed into a burqa (because it could always be worse), that you don't live in some other, more oppressive culture. If this essay is getting something off your chest so you can work on Friday's post, I'm sitting in anticipation for Friday.
Please, continue to speak your truth relentlessly. You bring me hope that perhaps my granddaughters will somehow benefit because you wrote like a girl…thank you.
And our grandsons, who will grow up reading “girls” and the stories of girls and women. That’s so important, so that from an early age, they don’t have to squint to see themselves because those stories have always been there.
I felt the hairs in my neck standing up as I was reading “The Rules”. Ugh… a lifetime of conditioning to follow those rules. I’ve spent most of my life and career enfolded in the patriarchy. These day. I’m reading only women because I’m longing for immersion in the world of “writing like a girl”.
I had a year where I read only women authors (I do mostly anyway, just because that’s what I’m interested in, but that year was a conscious decision) and I got a lot of pushback—from women—about “losing out”. In fact, I think I have an early essay on here that mentions it. I can’t keep track anymore. Just let me know when I start to repeat myself too much.
Well, I wouldn’t go that far…(that’s also a rule, I think, when writing by female, downplaying the compliments. I just realized it as I was writing that out).
Let’s not get started on how women writers use initials or gender neutral names so they can be more marketable. Ugggghhhhh.
Anytime I read something and think “I don’t get it,” I have to consider that it’s not for me and that’s ok. You know, like Hemingway and Norman Mailer and every other dick-centric POV.
I won’t read Hemingway. I think I was scared by someone telling me that I was supposed to feel something for Hamlet and Holden Caufield when I just wanted to shake them by the shoulders and tell them to get on with it already.
Which reminded me! Once we started a game where you took a famous story and changed the protagonist from male to female to see how the story would change. We called it Moby Dick to Moby Chicks.
Wally Lamb used to complain about how fixated the press was with his ability to write female characters. How could he work such magic? He said “I don’t know…I have a mother and a sister and a wife and women friends and I pay attention to them. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.”
What can we do besides point them out to help everyone realize those rules are bullshit? 🤬 I mean, of course, that doesn’t involve a rope. 🤔 Like Alice says, “Culture is a fist fight.” I’m glad you’re still swinging. ✊
So…you’re in college and a male college student — presumably over 18? — said “you write like a girl.” Can you imagine a scenario where you flipped that and said, “you write like a boy” to a male college student 18 or older? You’d probably say, “you write like a man”, otherwise it would sound reductive, right? And kind of insulting, like he’s immature and unserious? Just a kid, just a boy. Because “you write like a girl” has that flavor to me, also. There’s a dig there, underneath the dig.
But you’d never say that, anyway, because 1, you’re not an asshat, and 2, the male experience is considered the default. And that is the real issue, which I know I don’t have to tell you.
And there’s this: he’d see it as a compliment. Because way back when I was a college student in the Pleistocene era of dot matrix printers, it was still mostly men winning all the literary awards and men’s books being held up as the books to emulate (let’s not get started on the idea of “chick lit”—t’s the publishing equivalent of reading like a girl). Funnily enough, because I was and am still a massive nerd, I was simultaneously taking gender linguistics classes, and one of my research topics was the use of the word girl vs. woman. I don’t think it was because of that guy, but who knows, maybe subconsciously….
Ah, Dina. You said a mouthful. I once read a study that said if a teacher calls on girls more than 30% of the time, boys think the girls are being called on more than the boys. It speaks volumes, doesn't it? I once had a boss tell me I think like a man. I told him that's not the compliment he thinks it is. He had the good graces to look mortified and apologize.
Oh yes, right up there with the women talking too much myth. That’s an old favorite, isn’t it. It’s just when you are used to NO women talking, 30 percent seems like the majority of the time. I’m glad he looked mortified, and I hope he learned something that day.
I would be happy to follow the rules if men returned the favor. It’s always been the double standard that’s the problem. Women are always seeing themselves through the eyes of men. We have to, for our safety and survival. If we are capable of doing so, then so are men. The old saying “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” should be “what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.” Equal treatment, equal access, equal empathy, equal rules. That’s all we’re asking for. That’s all we’ve ever asked for. It’s actually quite simple.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had that conversation, or one like it. And that’s it, expected grace is one-sided.
So like Jane Austen? Harper Lee? J. K. Rowling? (okay, maybe not) Maya Angelou? Emily Dickinson. Rachel Carson. Louisa May Alcott. Harriet Beecher Stowe. Margaret Atwood. Charlotte Bronte. Emily Bronte. Virginia Woolf. Agatha Christie. Toni Morrison. Gloria Steinem. My late wife’s favorite author, romance novelist Betty Neels. I mean, “write like a girl” covers a lot of ground. He needs to be more specific.
All of the above (with the exception of J.K…)? Yes, please, and thank you very much. We know how he meant it, exactly as it landed on my once youthful ears. I can’t tell you the number of discussions I have had, in this decade, with literature teachers and their syllabi that are almost still exclusively white, European males. (And, in honor of your late wife, I will look for Betty Neels—and I am very sorry for that loss) x
How did I leave out Ursula K. Le Guin?
Would you hate me if I said I had never read Le Guin…? (Shamefully bowing head)
She is one of my favorite authors. I highly recommend The Left Hand of Darkness. Thinking about gender issues, it’s mind blowing. Masterful. One of my top ten books.
Thanks for the recommendation!
I add Marge Piercy to this list! She always most definitely and unconditionally writes like a girl. She should be on all the lists.
Two key novels for those who don’t know her work:
Woman on the Edge of Time (1976)
He, She, and It (1991)
I feel like we need to make a resource page….!
Yes indeed we do!
Isabelle Allende is also on my list
Not at all. I suggest starting with the short story “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” which can actually be found online though I don’t have a link handy.
Super, thanks!
Oh, read her. She's beautiful. Freaking brilliant. xo
How many times I heard, "You throw like a girl!" and I'd respond, "I AM a girl! (dumbass)."
But everyone recognizes it as the insult it is meant as. The worst thing anyone can be is feminine. (Fwiw, I do think that has changed somewhere between when I grew up and now. A little…)
Fully agree, but I've had the unfortunate notion all my life that I should try to force awareness by pushing back one stupid comment at a time. (haha). I'm 65 and a bit tired.
That's not an unfortunate notion, it's the only thing you can do when faced with that shit. Thanks for keeping it up, as I've no doubt you'll continue to do.
Nope, it’s back big time
Ugh
Men never ever acknowledge the truth of women's lives, the alertness to unseen dangers surrounding us, even as little girls. The multiple sexual exposures of genitalia started when I was a 9-year-old,, when I was wheeling my baby brother's stroller down a country road. And multiple events since childhood. So it happens to boys too? Yeah, we know. But we look at the perps who are often family friends or relatives. So nowhere is safe. Yeah, we write about all of that in a hostile male environment, men don't READ women's work. We just whine.
I think that if more women’s stories were taught in schools, at home, maybe our stories wouldn’t be so foreign. Women, after all, have learned to see themselves in the abstract in the stories of men, stories that are presented as universals, why can’t the same be true for boys and men? If nothing else, additional exposure will surely help build empathy.
Love this. Every single rule made me smile and nod in grim acknowledgment. I'd only add: gratitude. There's nothing more ugly than an ungrateful woman. So, don't forget to be grateful... for everything you've been given... or granted (certainly the vote was given, not earned)... grateful that you haven't been stuffed into a burqa (because it could always be worse), that you don't live in some other, more oppressive culture. If this essay is getting something off your chest so you can work on Friday's post, I'm sitting in anticipation for Friday.
I’m grateful for YOU, Susan.
Thanks. And I’m grateful for you too.
He reads like a boy.
Please, continue to speak your truth relentlessly. You bring me hope that perhaps my granddaughters will somehow benefit because you wrote like a girl…thank you.
And our grandsons, who will grow up reading “girls” and the stories of girls and women. That’s so important, so that from an early age, they don’t have to squint to see themselves because those stories have always been there.
I felt the hairs in my neck standing up as I was reading “The Rules”. Ugh… a lifetime of conditioning to follow those rules. I’ve spent most of my life and career enfolded in the patriarchy. These day. I’m reading only women because I’m longing for immersion in the world of “writing like a girl”.
I had a year where I read only women authors (I do mostly anyway, just because that’s what I’m interested in, but that year was a conscious decision) and I got a lot of pushback—from women—about “losing out”. In fact, I think I have an early essay on here that mentions it. I can’t keep track anymore. Just let me know when I start to repeat myself too much.
Nice job!
Thank you!
Utterly brilliant!
Well, I wouldn’t go that far…(that’s also a rule, I think, when writing by female, downplaying the compliments. I just realized it as I was writing that out).
Thank you. I appreciate that.
If only… so exhausting to police our ways
We are women
Thank you
🙏
Let’s not get started on how women writers use initials or gender neutral names so they can be more marketable. Ugggghhhhh.
Anytime I read something and think “I don’t get it,” I have to consider that it’s not for me and that’s ok. You know, like Hemingway and Norman Mailer and every other dick-centric POV.
I won’t read Hemingway. I think I was scared by someone telling me that I was supposed to feel something for Hamlet and Holden Caufield when I just wanted to shake them by the shoulders and tell them to get on with it already.
Which reminded me! Once we started a game where you took a famous story and changed the protagonist from male to female to see how the story would change. We called it Moby Dick to Moby Chicks.
Moby Chicks sounds like an upgrade ⬆️
Wally Lamb used to complain about how fixated the press was with his ability to write female characters. How could he work such magic? He said “I don’t know…I have a mother and a sister and a wife and women friends and I pay attention to them. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.”
But yet it is. Pffffffft.
I love this and want to subscribe but am an artist, you know, the poor kind, being a woman and all!
The kindness of taking the time to let me know you love it is enough. Thank you, thank you.
What can we do besides point them out to help everyone realize those rules are bullshit? 🤬 I mean, of course, that doesn’t involve a rope. 🤔 Like Alice says, “Culture is a fist fight.” I’m glad you’re still swinging. ✊
So…you’re in college and a male college student — presumably over 18? — said “you write like a girl.” Can you imagine a scenario where you flipped that and said, “you write like a boy” to a male college student 18 or older? You’d probably say, “you write like a man”, otherwise it would sound reductive, right? And kind of insulting, like he’s immature and unserious? Just a kid, just a boy. Because “you write like a girl” has that flavor to me, also. There’s a dig there, underneath the dig.
But you’d never say that, anyway, because 1, you’re not an asshat, and 2, the male experience is considered the default. And that is the real issue, which I know I don’t have to tell you.
And there’s this: he’d see it as a compliment. Because way back when I was a college student in the Pleistocene era of dot matrix printers, it was still mostly men winning all the literary awards and men’s books being held up as the books to emulate (let’s not get started on the idea of “chick lit”—t’s the publishing equivalent of reading like a girl). Funnily enough, because I was and am still a massive nerd, I was simultaneously taking gender linguistics classes, and one of my research topics was the use of the word girl vs. woman. I don’t think it was because of that guy, but who knows, maybe subconsciously….