THIS. As an older woman I am in my matriarch era and actively prioritizing women in my life, starting with myself, my daughter, my Mom, my friends. I have one good male friend (who is young enough to be my son), a single dad who is capable of actual reciprocity in relationships with women, he and his daughters are part of my elephant 🐘 herd.
Ok, I adore the idea of an elephant herd, just sort of lumbering along with quiet grace and strength, letting everyone know that if they mind their business you won't wallop them with your trunk. It's another one of those things, I think, that once you see how it can be, you wonder why we're not all doing that from the get go. But there's a lot of maiden/mother/crone stuff in there too--the competition for resources (in this case, a man) and it gets all mixed up with the social conditioning and yeah. It's a mess! Go forth and lead your herd.
As always. You do it, you name it. And yes to all of the above. The home I grew up in was complex. My father was not a typical, straight dad. He was a closeted gay man who had particular hobbies, interests that weren't anything close to the "typical" macho stuff that straight men are often drawn to, so I saw some flexibility in the roles available, but out in the rest of the world, what you describe is absolutely what I experienced. Yes, the boys were sent out of the room for the "menses" discussion. We were sequestered, shamed for the function, even though it meant once we started bleeding WE COULD CREATE LIFE! How powerful and scary is that? I think we could all write a book on it. I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll write about it too? Yeah. I do. I will. Women need to boost each other up, every day. Go team! xo
You will be pleased to hear that nowadays, the trend is to teach girls and boys together, about each other’s bodies, which makes perfect sense. So boys learn about periods and blood and cramps and girls learn about wet dreams and they all learn about pubic hair and armpit stink. A step in the right direction?! As for the other stuff. I don’t know. Some days it seems like we move forward, some days it’s like we’re just on a backward freight train. If it’s a day ending in “y” it’s either. Write about it!
I will! And yes, I'm aware of the changes, because for several years, I worked as an HIV and health/sex educator for Planned Parenthood. It is so much better than when we were young. Demystify the "secrets," level the field, take the shame out of the equation. Bodies are good! The rest of it, though? We've got a long, long way to go. xo
I think (I hope?) it shifts once we settle into our own skins, but it goes pretty deep. I do cherish my female friendships and I absolutely live a life where I prioritize women. I also need to get better at prioritizing myself, but who among us doesn’t??! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment :-).
I have that same hope too. And I do feel myself moving, if incrementally at times, toward prioritizing myself (and toward the understanding it’s the only way to truly, in a way that promotes an unobstructed flow of generosity) prioritize / show up for others.
Who among us indeed! Thanks for taking on this subject, Dina.
Oh Dinah your writing is a magnifying glass on my life. I feel such rage about my conformist behaviour in my earlier life. But that rage is offset by my commitment to me, women and matriarchy in my “now life”. That commitment also means actively decentering the needs of men - in everything I do.
It's a struggle. I write about this shit and I struggle daily (expect a body image post soon....). Mostly I get sad at what I might have missed out on by not prioritizing my own needs and time, but if I dwell there, it's hard to drag myself out. Onward and upward and always woman-ward.
My 16 year old son has always had such a group of female friends that were so close and fun. Watching the dynamics change over the last few years has been so sad to see, some of his best friends no longer speak and it's all due to different points you brought up. A lot of sadness reflecting upon from my younger years, and a renewed commitment to keep nurturing and prioritizing the relationships that I have with so many strong women
It'd be interesting to talk to folks and see if they've maintained (and repaired?) earlier relationships, or if they've developed new and deeper friendships as they've gotten older and moved through life. I've got both--friends I've had since I was a teen and friends I've made as an adult, deep relationships in different ways. But it seems like women eventually come to recognize the importance of those relationships--perhaps when we've passed out of that more "competitive" phase of life. I don't know. There's a lot of food for thought!!
As always, on point, Dina. Reminding us all to look at these dysfunctional cultural and generational patterns and trying to overcome them. I personally experienced much of what you are communicating (so aptly) here…with one more very confusing caveat. Growing up gay, without even knowing what was “wrong” with me. So girls were close friends, competition and the objects of my pure adoration. 🤯
THIS. As an older woman I am in my matriarch era and actively prioritizing women in my life, starting with myself, my daughter, my Mom, my friends. I have one good male friend (who is young enough to be my son), a single dad who is capable of actual reciprocity in relationships with women, he and his daughters are part of my elephant 🐘 herd.
Ok, I adore the idea of an elephant herd, just sort of lumbering along with quiet grace and strength, letting everyone know that if they mind their business you won't wallop them with your trunk. It's another one of those things, I think, that once you see how it can be, you wonder why we're not all doing that from the get go. But there's a lot of maiden/mother/crone stuff in there too--the competition for resources (in this case, a man) and it gets all mixed up with the social conditioning and yeah. It's a mess! Go forth and lead your herd.
As always. You do it, you name it. And yes to all of the above. The home I grew up in was complex. My father was not a typical, straight dad. He was a closeted gay man who had particular hobbies, interests that weren't anything close to the "typical" macho stuff that straight men are often drawn to, so I saw some flexibility in the roles available, but out in the rest of the world, what you describe is absolutely what I experienced. Yes, the boys were sent out of the room for the "menses" discussion. We were sequestered, shamed for the function, even though it meant once we started bleeding WE COULD CREATE LIFE! How powerful and scary is that? I think we could all write a book on it. I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll write about it too? Yeah. I do. I will. Women need to boost each other up, every day. Go team! xo
You will be pleased to hear that nowadays, the trend is to teach girls and boys together, about each other’s bodies, which makes perfect sense. So boys learn about periods and blood and cramps and girls learn about wet dreams and they all learn about pubic hair and armpit stink. A step in the right direction?! As for the other stuff. I don’t know. Some days it seems like we move forward, some days it’s like we’re just on a backward freight train. If it’s a day ending in “y” it’s either. Write about it!
I will! And yes, I'm aware of the changes, because for several years, I worked as an HIV and health/sex educator for Planned Parenthood. It is so much better than when we were young. Demystify the "secrets," level the field, take the shame out of the equation. Bodies are good! The rest of it, though? We've got a long, long way to go. xo
You are a fantastic writer! This is such an important piece. Thank you. 🌹
Thank you!
This is all too familiar. Thank you for sharing.
I think (I hope?) it shifts once we settle into our own skins, but it goes pretty deep. I do cherish my female friendships and I absolutely live a life where I prioritize women. I also need to get better at prioritizing myself, but who among us doesn’t??! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment :-).
I have that same hope too. And I do feel myself moving, if incrementally at times, toward prioritizing myself (and toward the understanding it’s the only way to truly, in a way that promotes an unobstructed flow of generosity) prioritize / show up for others.
Who among us indeed! Thanks for taking on this subject, Dina.
Oh Dinah your writing is a magnifying glass on my life. I feel such rage about my conformist behaviour in my earlier life. But that rage is offset by my commitment to me, women and matriarchy in my “now life”. That commitment also means actively decentering the needs of men - in everything I do.
It's a struggle. I write about this shit and I struggle daily (expect a body image post soon....). Mostly I get sad at what I might have missed out on by not prioritizing my own needs and time, but if I dwell there, it's hard to drag myself out. Onward and upward and always woman-ward.
My 16 year old son has always had such a group of female friends that were so close and fun. Watching the dynamics change over the last few years has been so sad to see, some of his best friends no longer speak and it's all due to different points you brought up. A lot of sadness reflecting upon from my younger years, and a renewed commitment to keep nurturing and prioritizing the relationships that I have with so many strong women
It'd be interesting to talk to folks and see if they've maintained (and repaired?) earlier relationships, or if they've developed new and deeper friendships as they've gotten older and moved through life. I've got both--friends I've had since I was a teen and friends I've made as an adult, deep relationships in different ways. But it seems like women eventually come to recognize the importance of those relationships--perhaps when we've passed out of that more "competitive" phase of life. I don't know. There's a lot of food for thought!!
Yes, I have both and am so grateful
This says everything: "We gave. They took." Thank you. I love your honest writing.
That hit home!
For what it's worth, I DO think it's changed/changing. But oof. It's a tough one to break free of.
As always, on point, Dina. Reminding us all to look at these dysfunctional cultural and generational patterns and trying to overcome them. I personally experienced much of what you are communicating (so aptly) here…with one more very confusing caveat. Growing up gay, without even knowing what was “wrong” with me. So girls were close friends, competition and the objects of my pure adoration. 🤯