It's too bad that so many women do their girl math and come up with an answer that they believe to be the correct one, rather than realizing that it's the fact that a calculation had to be made at all that is the problem. I used to think that the solution was to get boys to do girl math as well, so that they could understand the problem. But like girls who come up with what they think is the right answer, many boys are unwilling to see that the math shouldn't have to be done in the first place.
Phew, Suki. I hear you. The onus should never have to be on girls and women to stay safe, and until we address those underlying issues of why, nothing much will change. And imo, none of that will change until we completely overhaul the value system we have in place, the one the overvalues the male and male centric and undervalues the female and female centric. It’s a lifetime’s work.
"The calculus of womanhood is the constant thrum of background calculations that help women navigate a world where you rarely know which men will caress you with rose petals, which will point a loaded gun to your head, and which might intervene to stop it."
In the interest of keeping the conversation going alongside acknowledging the very real survival math women live every day, I want to add another layer.
Yes, we calculate risk constantly. We assess rooms, policies, tone shifts, danger. That vigilance is real. I know it intimately. I also live in a situation where leaving would likely mean real financial instability, maybe even homelessness. So I understand constraint. I understand plurality. Survival choices are not theoretical.
But when Roe v. Wade was overturned, I felt not only anger at the system, but grief at our fragmentation. If we are 50% of the population and highly skilled at calculating risk, why are we less practiced at calculating leverage?
There was pushback. There were protests, ballot initiatives, funds raised. But where was sustained multiplication? Did our circles of 35 become 70, then 100? Did small resistance groups collaborate while maintaining their own containers? Social media allows expression. Coordination requires disciplined relational labor the unglamorous work of trust, administration, and shared strategy.
Institutions rarely change without coordinated power. And coordinated power is built locally, in rooms, through relationship. If formal systems narrow our rights, local systems must widen in response women’s councils, mutual aid, reproductive resource networks rooted in care and discretion. Historically, women have always organized in moments like this over kitchen tables, in living rooms, in quiet conversations where plans were made and care was coordinated.
Wow. Gut punch. As one of the few girls in my HS calculus class, who also left math behind to work with words and people, I relate to so much of this. Thank you for laying it out so clearly.
I need to find the commenter who sparked the idea for this and thank her. I’m glad it resonated, that’s all we can ask when we put words out there right? (I’m lying—I want people to read the words of women and commit to dismantling the structures that harm us all, as I know you do too).
Amazing. Your writing always makes me deep dive into my own experiences. I had a terrible time in math. As a very young girl I didn’t mind it but I grew to fear it so much that I would get physically ill before math class. I was in advanced classes for English and History, but the damn numbers confounded me. I was horrified when they put me in the “slow” math class, embarrassed and ashamed, but to my surprise, I was suddenly ably to get it. I ended up with high marks and finally realized that I just needed more time to process everything to do with numbers and then I could understand it all. Of course, because I did well in that class they put me back in the regular math class where I became so frustrated that I sassed the teacher (I was definitely not a rule follower) and dropped out of math in 11th grade. This is all to say that each of our experiences shapes us as we’re shaped by our society and the systems we’re subjected to. This piece made me realize that I did indeed know how to calculate. If only they had made the math problems more relevant like: How many steps does it take to get past a group of jocks in the hallway who are making comments about your tits before your fight or flight response kicks in? Or: Divide the number of times you try to make a point in class by the number of times a boy interrupts you. Ah ha! Then it would have all made much more sense.
I both love and hate this comment. Love that you figured out that yes, you were good at actual math (and there is probably a whole damn book about math and confidence, gender and stereotypes), and hate that most women reading this could do those same calculations. Thanks for the kindness, @Elizabeth Dana Yoffe.
A couple of things to add which might seem disjointed but are actually part of the overall pattern...
Evil and misogyny feed and fuel each other and each time a man gets away with one act and not held accountable, it inspires, empowers and dares the next man (who may consider himself a decent guy) to one up the previous act. That's the part Marina didn't calculate in her experiment, the contagious nature of subjugation and demeaning the "other".
I am a 71yr old with a 9lb diabetes service dog and live in a 13 story building with lots of children and a daycare on the main floor. Usually children of all ages are drawn to Teddy and ask if they can pet him and yesterday that didn't happen. A group of 3 boys aged 7-11 walked past us as we were leaving the building and one of them shaped his hand into a pistol and made the sound of firing 3 rapid shots into a 9lb puppy with a look that said "dare me!"
Women have born the brunt of mans failure since the story of Eve; she was Adam's undoing and women have continued to shoulder responsibility for everything that goes wrong in man's world to this day.
Simple math question; how much capacity and power does a woman actually carry to be able to control man's destiny the way she's been held responsible for throughout history?
As women. If we could do that math, understand what it means and act upon it....
That’s the way of the world for many women where men feel weak and numbers, primarily dollars and cents, rule. Yet when we calculate our divinity undivided with fear and multiplied by wise intelligence, we get an answer to speak up, re-educate boys, and actually rule our worlds. Thanks for this brilliant piece of mathematics.
Thank you. On an “always continue to educate yourself” note, I had to look up a few of these equations to make sure I remembered them correctly—especially the Geometry proof. For some reason, geometry scrambled my brain.
Nothing a slice of 3.14 can’t fix. 🥧 JK. Girl math is like an infinite problem, with an infinite number of solutions. Hint: We are the solutions💪🏾💪💪🏿💪🏾💪🏻
Having just spent the last week learning about the history of lobotomy and how it was used to "fix" problematic women, this comment just literally turned my stomach. So thanks for that :P Otherwise, yes to everything you both just said.
Brilliant writing, exhausting to navigate. In grade school, I was competitive in Math. Perhaps my instincts knew I would need it in the streets, the Church, the swimming pool, even in police cars. I don't enjoy being reminded of the statistics and how math failed me— it makes my blood boil. And I know we need to keep speaking, telling our stories. Great writing. xo
Thank you, @Kari Bentley-Quinn — a timely response as I was just looking over something for my high school senior and lamenting that he might be smarter than me ;-). In all seriousness though, I’m glad it resonated.
Dina, this is spectacular. Also, I feel like we must be psychically connected (or maybe it's just that *every single woman everywhere is currently thinking about these things*), because I just published a post about almost exactly this. Mine is long and circuitous—like your path home from the train station—and somewhat meandering, and yours is sharp and poetic. Truly a gut punch. Thank you for sharing your voice with the world—we need to hear more women like you.
Thank you for "spelling" this out so plainly. Even an English major understands, and wishes that the "math" would be drop fed into male brains from birth.
I think that more men are at least starting to understand. My husband was shocked once when he asked me why I didn’t take the shortcut home from the train station and I had to explain to him it was unlit, so I had to go the long way around. He’d never thought about it because he’s never felt unsafe. But now he knows. And we have sons, who have grown up knowing—if not totally understanding, at least more than the previous generation. What we really need to do is hold men who harm women accountable.
This may be one of the most brutally honest essays I’ve ever read, and engaging through comedy, absurdity and mathematical genius? Mwah 💋
The trials that my mother described to me always seemed distant, abstracted almost to meaninglessness but she gave them to me so I might one day understand woman in a way boys/men just aren’t taught. All I can say is Thank You Mom! 💖💖💖
This was amazing. I sometimes wonder if being older protects me from attention, or if it instead makes me more vulnerable; if the predators can smell my relative physical weakness.
It's too bad that so many women do their girl math and come up with an answer that they believe to be the correct one, rather than realizing that it's the fact that a calculation had to be made at all that is the problem. I used to think that the solution was to get boys to do girl math as well, so that they could understand the problem. But like girls who come up with what they think is the right answer, many boys are unwilling to see that the math shouldn't have to be done in the first place.
Phew, Suki. I hear you. The onus should never have to be on girls and women to stay safe, and until we address those underlying issues of why, nothing much will change. And imo, none of that will change until we completely overhaul the value system we have in place, the one the overvalues the male and male centric and undervalues the female and female centric. It’s a lifetime’s work.
And your 1000 words a week are an important addition to that work! Thanks for your thoughtful writing.
"The calculus of womanhood is the constant thrum of background calculations that help women navigate a world where you rarely know which men will caress you with rose petals, which will point a loaded gun to your head, and which might intervene to stop it."
THIS! This says it ALL.
Quote by Dina Honour.
In the interest of keeping the conversation going alongside acknowledging the very real survival math women live every day, I want to add another layer.
Yes, we calculate risk constantly. We assess rooms, policies, tone shifts, danger. That vigilance is real. I know it intimately. I also live in a situation where leaving would likely mean real financial instability, maybe even homelessness. So I understand constraint. I understand plurality. Survival choices are not theoretical.
But when Roe v. Wade was overturned, I felt not only anger at the system, but grief at our fragmentation. If we are 50% of the population and highly skilled at calculating risk, why are we less practiced at calculating leverage?
There was pushback. There were protests, ballot initiatives, funds raised. But where was sustained multiplication? Did our circles of 35 become 70, then 100? Did small resistance groups collaborate while maintaining their own containers? Social media allows expression. Coordination requires disciplined relational labor the unglamorous work of trust, administration, and shared strategy.
Institutions rarely change without coordinated power. And coordinated power is built locally, in rooms, through relationship. If formal systems narrow our rights, local systems must widen in response women’s councils, mutual aid, reproductive resource networks rooted in care and discretion. Historically, women have always organized in moments like this over kitchen tables, in living rooms, in quiet conversations where plans were made and care was coordinated.
Survival math kept us alive.
Strategy math may be what builds what comes next.
Beautifully stated.
Wow. Gut punch. As one of the few girls in my HS calculus class, who also left math behind to work with words and people, I relate to so much of this. Thank you for laying it out so clearly.
I need to find the commenter who sparked the idea for this and thank her. I’m glad it resonated, that’s all we can ask when we put words out there right? (I’m lying—I want people to read the words of women and commit to dismantling the structures that harm us all, as I know you do too).
Amazing. Your writing always makes me deep dive into my own experiences. I had a terrible time in math. As a very young girl I didn’t mind it but I grew to fear it so much that I would get physically ill before math class. I was in advanced classes for English and History, but the damn numbers confounded me. I was horrified when they put me in the “slow” math class, embarrassed and ashamed, but to my surprise, I was suddenly ably to get it. I ended up with high marks and finally realized that I just needed more time to process everything to do with numbers and then I could understand it all. Of course, because I did well in that class they put me back in the regular math class where I became so frustrated that I sassed the teacher (I was definitely not a rule follower) and dropped out of math in 11th grade. This is all to say that each of our experiences shapes us as we’re shaped by our society and the systems we’re subjected to. This piece made me realize that I did indeed know how to calculate. If only they had made the math problems more relevant like: How many steps does it take to get past a group of jocks in the hallway who are making comments about your tits before your fight or flight response kicks in? Or: Divide the number of times you try to make a point in class by the number of times a boy interrupts you. Ah ha! Then it would have all made much more sense.
I both love and hate this comment. Love that you figured out that yes, you were good at actual math (and there is probably a whole damn book about math and confidence, gender and stereotypes), and hate that most women reading this could do those same calculations. Thanks for the kindness, @Elizabeth Dana Yoffe.
Thank you for your wonderful work. 🌹
A couple of things to add which might seem disjointed but are actually part of the overall pattern...
Evil and misogyny feed and fuel each other and each time a man gets away with one act and not held accountable, it inspires, empowers and dares the next man (who may consider himself a decent guy) to one up the previous act. That's the part Marina didn't calculate in her experiment, the contagious nature of subjugation and demeaning the "other".
I am a 71yr old with a 9lb diabetes service dog and live in a 13 story building with lots of children and a daycare on the main floor. Usually children of all ages are drawn to Teddy and ask if they can pet him and yesterday that didn't happen. A group of 3 boys aged 7-11 walked past us as we were leaving the building and one of them shaped his hand into a pistol and made the sound of firing 3 rapid shots into a 9lb puppy with a look that said "dare me!"
Women have born the brunt of mans failure since the story of Eve; she was Adam's undoing and women have continued to shoulder responsibility for everything that goes wrong in man's world to this day.
Simple math question; how much capacity and power does a woman actually carry to be able to control man's destiny the way she's been held responsible for throughout history?
As women. If we could do that math, understand what it means and act upon it....
That’s the way of the world for many women where men feel weak and numbers, primarily dollars and cents, rule. Yet when we calculate our divinity undivided with fear and multiplied by wise intelligence, we get an answer to speak up, re-educate boys, and actually rule our worlds. Thanks for this brilliant piece of mathematics.
Thank you. On an “always continue to educate yourself” note, I had to look up a few of these equations to make sure I remembered them correctly—especially the Geometry proof. For some reason, geometry scrambled my brain.
Nothing a slice of 3.14 can’t fix. 🥧 JK. Girl math is like an infinite problem, with an infinite number of solutions. Hint: We are the solutions💪🏾💪💪🏿💪🏾💪🏻
I hate when the comments list all the tricks I missed in the essay ;-). Thanks for taking the time to read!
Having just spent the last week learning about the history of lobotomy and how it was used to "fix" problematic women, this comment just literally turned my stomach. So thanks for that :P Otherwise, yes to everything you both just said.
Have your read “The Mad Wife?”
No, I haven't. Let me guess—her husband has her lobotomized?
No, but it’s all around. I recommend it.
Thanks, I'll check it out.
Brilliant writing, exhausting to navigate. In grade school, I was competitive in Math. Perhaps my instincts knew I would need it in the streets, the Church, the swimming pool, even in police cars. I don't enjoy being reminded of the statistics and how math failed me— it makes my blood boil. And I know we need to keep speaking, telling our stories. Great writing. xo
This is brilliant.
Thank you, @Kari Bentley-Quinn — a timely response as I was just looking over something for my high school senior and lamenting that he might be smarter than me ;-). In all seriousness though, I’m glad it resonated.
Dina, this is spectacular. Also, I feel like we must be psychically connected (or maybe it's just that *every single woman everywhere is currently thinking about these things*), because I just published a post about almost exactly this. Mine is long and circuitous—like your path home from the train station—and somewhat meandering, and yours is sharp and poetic. Truly a gut punch. Thank you for sharing your voice with the world—we need to hear more women like you.
Oh! I can’t wait to read it!
Thank you for "spelling" this out so plainly. Even an English major understands, and wishes that the "math" would be drop fed into male brains from birth.
I think that more men are at least starting to understand. My husband was shocked once when he asked me why I didn’t take the shortcut home from the train station and I had to explain to him it was unlit, so I had to go the long way around. He’d never thought about it because he’s never felt unsafe. But now he knows. And we have sons, who have grown up knowing—if not totally understanding, at least more than the previous generation. What we really need to do is hold men who harm women accountable.
Just wow! I’m sharing this with the boys in my household- thank you
This may be one of the most brutally honest essays I’ve ever read, and engaging through comedy, absurdity and mathematical genius? Mwah 💋
The trials that my mother described to me always seemed distant, abstracted almost to meaninglessness but she gave them to me so I might one day understand woman in a way boys/men just aren’t taught. All I can say is Thank You Mom! 💖💖💖
And Thank You for this read!
Thank you for reading it—and for leaving such kind words.
I am so thankful for you.
I’m thankful for this community of amazing women writers and creatives!
Brilliant writing.
Thank you!
This was amazing. I sometimes wonder if being older protects me from attention, or if it instead makes me more vulnerable; if the predators can smell my relative physical weakness.