I cannot stress how important it is to grasp this. It is essential for any man who claims he would like for his heart to be in the right place. I cannot eschew my privilege. Even if I wanted to. It is equally essential that I be honest about the fact that I simply don't always want to. As a man, I get to choose, where, when, and in what manner I want to behave with solidarity towards women. That is the fact. I never have to. I can choose to, or I can choose not to. Often enough, it feels hard and icky, so I choose not to. That is the first truth.
The second truth is: because sometimes I choose to do the harder thing and invite difficulty into my life where it wasn't thrust there by the design of a system outside my control, I get to feel particularly good about myself, especially in comparison to the worst acting examples of my fellow men.
As a man, I get to point to the lowest bar, make minimal effort to work my way above it, and use that as a way to obfuscate my cooperation with the system that provides me that very privilege.
Women, on the other hand, must set their sights on the highest bar, work tirelessly to achieve it, and without stepping on any toes. Just to make the case that they deserve to take up room in the world, they must reach for an ever disappearing height, forever falling short of the impossible expectations of what we imagine the best examples of women could be.
And really, REALLY, when women point out the worst behaviors of men, the very least the rest of us good guys can do is just shut the fuck up.
Thank you for this comment--the idea of choice is so important, and I think you are one of the first men I've seen to address it in such an honest way. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.
Frank. In all seriousness, we have had this conversation. I call myself a Feminist. I am married. I am raising two sons. So you think I hate men?
Pick a lane. Either all Feminists hate men (not true, clearly), or you think some women hate men (probably true). We can have a conversation, or I can block you.
Why would you want eschew your privilege? If you do not personally do anything bad, you are not morally bad, merely morally neutral, not good, and I am totally comfortable being morally neutral. You want to be a saint or what?
Like dude be selfish already. Enjoy benefits you have. Everybody does that.
I personally don’t believe I am here to benefit at others expense. I want to live harmoniously with all people as much as I can. I can’t agree that knowingly taking advantage of my privilege is a morally neutral position.
On a per estimated death basis, breast cancer received $69,800 per death and prostate cancer received $126,992 per death.
That per-death figure for prostate cancer being higher than breast cancer is explained by the mortality numbers: breast cancer caused an estimated 22,606 deaths while prostate cancer caused 5,219 deaths in the study period — meaning prostate cancer’s absolute funding is lower, but it’s spread across far fewer deaths.
Thanks, Steve. I’ve just blocked Frank. He has been hammering on about prostate cancer on several of my posts for weeks now. I tried to engage with him, but I’m done now. I appreciate the effort.
Thank you for this. I appreciate your thoughtful response. I think it is high time men start having these very important and, perhaps, uncomfortable conversations with their male friends, family, sons, nephews, etc. in real time.
Wow…what a powerful piece. The analogies are spot on. And the Hotel California reference is perfect. Thank you for this thought-provoking piece. It makes a very valid point, without man-hating. Well done!
Thank you, Angie. (Between you and me, I almost missed a trick with the last reference there, which I would have been kicking myself over, until the end of time). Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
Is she me, here Frank? I am curious how you think I balance my successful marriage to a man and raising two more with my seething hatred of all men.
In your rush to the comments to judge me, AGAIN, you missed the entire point. It’s not men, Frank. It’s the structure of a patriarchal system that is shitty to all of us, including men.
I think you just like to troll, Frank. I think I’m going to have to just block you.
Excellent and spot on, as always. My goddess, one of the most obvious “tells” of the Patriarchy is the obsession with the “male loneliness epidemic” and the “plunging birth rate”. What are males to do in a world where women are out performing them in so many areas? How do we keep those women at home and pregnant now that they’ve gotten a taste of education, rights and professional success? How do we go back to the good old days when most mediocre, or even abusive men still got wives? Oh yeah, strip away women’s rights and make them financially dependent on men! That worked before! No male loneliness when all you have to do is be the economic survival tool for the ladies. Good times!
I haven’t tackled the loneliness crisis in a full blown essay because I think I would swear too much, though I’ve danced around it in a few places. The thing that gets me about that is there seem to be a lot of men telling other men “what women want” and no on is asking the women. Go to therapy. Find some friends. Start a hobby. Find some joy that doesn’t rely on a woman managing your emotions. And as if by magic, the loneliness will disappear!! It’s all so fucking stupid.
You know, now that we’re talking about it, the “loneliness epidemic” and “not all” are two sides of the same coin—they’re both a stopping point meant to divert the conversation. It’s no coincidence that the lonely rhetoric started after #MeToo.
Wow… great insight. So true! Definitely a subject for you to take on. On another note: your piece in your book (This Is A Love Song…) about hot flashes during menopause had me howling with laughter. It’s been ages since those fiery days, but oh… I remember them well. 😊
LOL! I remember my first one clearly. I was working at my desk and suddenly I felt like my stomach dropped as though I was in a fast elevator- then a rush of sweaty heat and a beet red face. It was bizarre…
My take on the "loneliness epidemic" is to channel my inner Jim Carey in Liar, Liar: "Stop being an asshole!" Women might enjoy their company if they changed that one behavior.
Well, Drew… I think Frank has a thing about being shamed and derided by big, bad feminists. Only he doesn’t want to go down to his local dungeon and pay Mistress Angela to call him a little worm. He wants to get his kicks for free.
Patriarchy is like white privilege. We are so immersed in it we cannot see it without a lot of work. For most of my life I lived in that patriarchy and tried to live by the rules. Always feeling like I was failing. I had to get to my late 50's to start to see the system behind my experiences in an abusive marriage and with sexual harassment/assault in my teens and 20's. I have 4 sons and they would be highly offended if I shared this with them. I have no idea how to get past the knee-jerk reaction of "Not all men!" that flies out so quickly as soon as you try to have a conversation about it.
You’re spot on about white privilege. And how it takes sitting with all the “ick” when you realize things to move beyond that. And once you do, you can do the work of being a better ally. None of us are perfect and no one likes to be the “bad guy”. But by demanding anyone use the caveat of “not all men”, all we’re doing is saying the feelings of men matter more than the lives of women. Sometimes that’s enough to get through, but some people don’t want it to get through.
Obviously, you have never walked in a woman's shoes. Just because your scientific mind cannot wrap itself around our experiences does not negate them!!
Why are the experiences of millions of women not considered evidence of our reality? Because one of the defining features of patriarchy is that women's experiences don't matter to men. You prove the very existence of patriarchy by dismissing our experiences of sexual abuse. If you really cared about evidence you would listen to women.
I love how you get something ugly under the magnifying glass and let it wriggle helplessly while you dismantle it with infallible logic, piece by piece. One day, it would be nice if we had a magnifying glass big enough to let in enough light to burn the patriarchy down.
Please, please, please take that metaphor and run with it. And when you do, make sure you tag me when you post it. Death to the patriarchy by spontaneous combustion due to the increasing magnification of its faults. Brilliant.
This one’s a keeper. I’m putting it on my phone, printing it out (in case it gets digitally altered or erased) and stashing it inside books and files, at home and in the public library. It needs to be discovered randomly and read widely. And of course, I’m sharing the beegeezus out of it. If I could drop thousands of fliers out a plane and over a Super Bowl game, I’d do it. Brava.
It's hard to even wrap your head around the idea of coverture, until you realize that while some things have changed, in many places, the philosophy of it hasn't changed much at all. Horse, sack of wheat, wife. Probably in that order.
I think that anyone who says that Feminism has gone too far doesn’t really understand what Feminism is—either intentionally or not. How can we think a movement that promotes equality has gone too far when that equality doesn’t exist? Mostly, I think people think that Feminism is just man-hatred dressed up in a movement. Nothing could be further than the truth, imo.
You have said what I have been thinking for a long time and far more eloquently than I could. Of course feminism isn’t about hating men. It’s about making space for women in a world designed by and for men.
Like I’m left-handed so I live in a world designed for right-handers. I don’t hate right-handed people, I just need some adaptations (like left handed scissors or cheque books) to make my life that little bit easier.
I've written before about the fact that we don't--that many women (not all?) continue to chose to love men, to raise families with them despite all the fuckery should be proof enough that Feminism is not misandry. And yes, we deserve a medal for that.
IF a man would read this and do so with an open mind, (so many ‘ifs’) some opportunities for learning and making growth might happen. I need to try to remember some of your analogies for future conversations. THANK YOU!
Thank you for reading! I hope it helps to lay out that even though these things are not intentional, you’re still the beneficiary. No one likes to think they’re the villain in the story.
Thank you for another fire essay. You know, I've been feeling in my bones, "Yes it is! It IS all men." I don't know how the topic could be stated more clearly, and I'll be using these metaphors from now until I die. Also, I'll be sharing this essay with my retired-age feminism class.
A few weeks ago, I attended a preview event of a PBS show called “Rematriated Voices.” It is a 5 part series developed in coordination between the Haudenosaunee and Syracuse University. The host is Michelle Schenandoah. The Haudenosaunee are the longest continuous democratic society to have lived on this planet. Their political structure was studied by the founding fathers who were developing the U.S. Constitution. Unfortunately a lot of their beliefs were discarded in favor of white colonial patriarchy. If you are able to locate and view this show, I highly recommend it. The Haudenosaunee are matrilineal and when you look at their history compared to white washed American history, it’s hard to not be envious of how they navigate the world, even in these challenging times.
Dina, I've got five daughters. Five. So I've watched this up close for a long time now,which road gets maintained and which one doesn't. Which one has the lights on.
The road analogy is the one that gets you. You don't have to be driving fast or cutting anybody off. You just got the better road. Built before you got there. Paved whether you deserved it or not.
I know which road I'm on. My girls know which one they're on. That's not something a decent man gets to look away from.
Good piece. The kind that sits with you whether you want it to or not.
You know, when I had kids, I just assumed I'd have daughters who'd be raised as fierce little Feminists. Of course, the universe saw fit to gift me with two boys. And it finally occurred to me that the most Feminist thing I could do is raise Feminist boys who were able to make some changes in the master's house, as it were. Acknowledging that there are structural differences is so huge--not to feel guilt, but to work toward something like road parity.
That's the reframe right there. That's the whole thing.
I've got five daughters and two boys. So I've been sitting with both sides of this for a long time. I want my daughters to have every inch of road they're owed. And I want my sons to be the kind of men who already know why that matters before anyone has to explain it to them.
Because a fierce feminist daughter who runs into a world full of men who were never asked to think about any of this,that's a hard road. But a son who sees the pavement clearly, who knows which road he's on and why, who doesn't need guilt to motivate him but just basic human decency and clear eyes,that changes something structural. That's work that compounds.
You didn't get the fierce little feminists you planned for. You got something maybe more useful. Two boys who might just know where the paving crew shows up and where it doesn't.
That's not consolation. That's a different kind of gift. I'm still figuring out how to give it properly myself.
There have been SO MANY great pieces about all of this recently, it's been hard to keep up. I feel like with each one we're breaking off a piece of rot, until we can get down to the foundation and build something else.
I agree. We are in the “seeing it” phase of changing things. Once we’ve seen it all, we will never go back. The genie is out of the bottle for good now,
Now I feel very guilty, because my husband is 6'9", the world was definitely not built for his height, and I sometimes complain about how his request to raise our doorways is going to mess up the architectural lines of our house...
I don't know how you do it, but you nailed it again!
Also, sorry it took me so long, but I just ordered your new book. I love the phrase "Gen X Jordache jeans" in the description. The piece I (finally) have out on submission now has Jordache jeans in the first sentence! Iconic.
I cannot stress how important it is to grasp this. It is essential for any man who claims he would like for his heart to be in the right place. I cannot eschew my privilege. Even if I wanted to. It is equally essential that I be honest about the fact that I simply don't always want to. As a man, I get to choose, where, when, and in what manner I want to behave with solidarity towards women. That is the fact. I never have to. I can choose to, or I can choose not to. Often enough, it feels hard and icky, so I choose not to. That is the first truth.
The second truth is: because sometimes I choose to do the harder thing and invite difficulty into my life where it wasn't thrust there by the design of a system outside my control, I get to feel particularly good about myself, especially in comparison to the worst acting examples of my fellow men.
As a man, I get to point to the lowest bar, make minimal effort to work my way above it, and use that as a way to obfuscate my cooperation with the system that provides me that very privilege.
Women, on the other hand, must set their sights on the highest bar, work tirelessly to achieve it, and without stepping on any toes. Just to make the case that they deserve to take up room in the world, they must reach for an ever disappearing height, forever falling short of the impossible expectations of what we imagine the best examples of women could be.
And really, REALLY, when women point out the worst behaviors of men, the very least the rest of us good guys can do is just shut the fuck up.
Thank you for this comment--the idea of choice is so important, and I think you are one of the first men I've seen to address it in such an honest way. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.
Thanks Dina
Your writing is fantastic. I’m so glad I found your work. And to think, I just made a Substack so I could write record reviews!
I appreciate your thoughtful piece.
Shutting up is not enough.
Frank. In all seriousness, we have had this conversation. I call myself a Feminist. I am married. I am raising two sons. So you think I hate men?
Pick a lane. Either all Feminists hate men (not true, clearly), or you think some women hate men (probably true). We can have a conversation, or I can block you.
The choice is yours.
Why would you want eschew your privilege? If you do not personally do anything bad, you are not morally bad, merely morally neutral, not good, and I am totally comfortable being morally neutral. You want to be a saint or what?
Like dude be selfish already. Enjoy benefits you have. Everybody does that.
I personally don’t believe I am here to benefit at others expense. I want to live harmoniously with all people as much as I can. I can’t agree that knowingly taking advantage of my privilege is a morally neutral position.
On a per estimated death basis, breast cancer received $69,800 per death and prostate cancer received $126,992 per death.
That per-death figure for prostate cancer being higher than breast cancer is explained by the mortality numbers: breast cancer caused an estimated 22,606 deaths while prostate cancer caused 5,219 deaths in the study period — meaning prostate cancer’s absolute funding is lower, but it’s spread across far fewer deaths.
Thanks, Steve. I’ve just blocked Frank. He has been hammering on about prostate cancer on several of my posts for weeks now. I tried to engage with him, but I’m done now. I appreciate the effort.
Ah. Got it. I often forget engagement is not really their goal
Why wouldn't you want the same privilege to go to your mom, wife, sister, daughter? THAT is the point, ultimately, is it not?
Thank you for this. I appreciate your thoughtful response. I think it is high time men start having these very important and, perhaps, uncomfortable conversations with their male friends, family, sons, nephews, etc. in real time.
Wow…what a powerful piece. The analogies are spot on. And the Hotel California reference is perfect. Thank you for this thought-provoking piece. It makes a very valid point, without man-hating. Well done!
Thank you, Angie. (Between you and me, I almost missed a trick with the last reference there, which I would have been kicking myself over, until the end of time). Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
Is she me, here Frank? I am curious how you think I balance my successful marriage to a man and raising two more with my seething hatred of all men.
In your rush to the comments to judge me, AGAIN, you missed the entire point. It’s not men, Frank. It’s the structure of a patriarchal system that is shitty to all of us, including men.
I think you just like to troll, Frank. I think I’m going to have to just block you.
Excellent and spot on, as always. My goddess, one of the most obvious “tells” of the Patriarchy is the obsession with the “male loneliness epidemic” and the “plunging birth rate”. What are males to do in a world where women are out performing them in so many areas? How do we keep those women at home and pregnant now that they’ve gotten a taste of education, rights and professional success? How do we go back to the good old days when most mediocre, or even abusive men still got wives? Oh yeah, strip away women’s rights and make them financially dependent on men! That worked before! No male loneliness when all you have to do is be the economic survival tool for the ladies. Good times!
I haven’t tackled the loneliness crisis in a full blown essay because I think I would swear too much, though I’ve danced around it in a few places. The thing that gets me about that is there seem to be a lot of men telling other men “what women want” and no on is asking the women. Go to therapy. Find some friends. Start a hobby. Find some joy that doesn’t rely on a woman managing your emotions. And as if by magic, the loneliness will disappear!! It’s all so fucking stupid.
Absolutely. Oh nooo… women are finally almost being treated like whole human beings and… we’re lonely???
You know, now that we’re talking about it, the “loneliness epidemic” and “not all” are two sides of the same coin—they’re both a stopping point meant to divert the conversation. It’s no coincidence that the lonely rhetoric started after #MeToo.
Wow… great insight. So true! Definitely a subject for you to take on. On another note: your piece in your book (This Is A Love Song…) about hot flashes during menopause had me howling with laughter. It’s been ages since those fiery days, but oh… I remember them well. 😊
Ha! The guide to hot flashes? That was a fun one to write...once I wasn't in the throes of hot flashes anymore...
LOL! I remember my first one clearly. I was working at my desk and suddenly I felt like my stomach dropped as though I was in a fast elevator- then a rush of sweaty heat and a beet red face. It was bizarre…
My take on the "loneliness epidemic" is to channel my inner Jim Carey in Liar, Liar: "Stop being an asshole!" Women might enjoy their company if they changed that one behavior.
Frank.
Stop.
I thought we were reaching a point where we could have constructive discussions, but if you keep going, I will block you.
Well, Drew… I think Frank has a thing about being shamed and derided by big, bad feminists. Only he doesn’t want to go down to his local dungeon and pay Mistress Angela to call him a little worm. He wants to get his kicks for free.
Patriarchy is like white privilege. We are so immersed in it we cannot see it without a lot of work. For most of my life I lived in that patriarchy and tried to live by the rules. Always feeling like I was failing. I had to get to my late 50's to start to see the system behind my experiences in an abusive marriage and with sexual harassment/assault in my teens and 20's. I have 4 sons and they would be highly offended if I shared this with them. I have no idea how to get past the knee-jerk reaction of "Not all men!" that flies out so quickly as soon as you try to have a conversation about it.
You’re spot on about white privilege. And how it takes sitting with all the “ick” when you realize things to move beyond that. And once you do, you can do the work of being a better ally. None of us are perfect and no one likes to be the “bad guy”. But by demanding anyone use the caveat of “not all men”, all we’re doing is saying the feelings of men matter more than the lives of women. Sometimes that’s enough to get through, but some people don’t want it to get through.
Excellent analogy. Patriarchy is intended not to be seen. Because then you never question it.
Obviously, you have never walked in a woman's shoes. Just because your scientific mind cannot wrap itself around our experiences does not negate them!!
Bullseye.
Why are the experiences of millions of women not considered evidence of our reality? Because one of the defining features of patriarchy is that women's experiences don't matter to men. You prove the very existence of patriarchy by dismissing our experiences of sexual abuse. If you really cared about evidence you would listen to women.
I love how you get something ugly under the magnifying glass and let it wriggle helplessly while you dismantle it with infallible logic, piece by piece. One day, it would be nice if we had a magnifying glass big enough to let in enough light to burn the patriarchy down.
Please, please, please take that metaphor and run with it. And when you do, make sure you tag me when you post it. Death to the patriarchy by spontaneous combustion due to the increasing magnification of its faults. Brilliant.
Thank you and you bet!
This one’s a keeper. I’m putting it on my phone, printing it out (in case it gets digitally altered or erased) and stashing it inside books and files, at home and in the public library. It needs to be discovered randomly and read widely. And of course, I’m sharing the beegeezus out of it. If I could drop thousands of fliers out a plane and over a Super Bowl game, I’d do it. Brava.
Thank you, Esme--not just for sharing, and reading and supporting, but for the delicious idea of Feminist bombing a sports event.
It’s a long-held fantasy of mine. I love sports, but know that my participation and presence has always been tolerated, rather than welcomed.
Men created religion. Let NO WOMAN forget men created “coverture.” Read about it and then read about it again and again. THIS IS WHAT THIS REGIME wants to force women back into. Over my dead body. https://www.womenshistory.org/articles/coverture-word-you-probably-dont-know-should
It's hard to even wrap your head around the idea of coverture, until you realize that while some things have changed, in many places, the philosophy of it hasn't changed much at all. Horse, sack of wheat, wife. Probably in that order.
Adding to my comment: https://legal-resources.uslegalforms.com/u/uxoricide
What Angie said. People who say feminism has gone too far are missing the point. The one you make here, Dina.
And difficult women are the ones who make history.
I think that anyone who says that Feminism has gone too far doesn’t really understand what Feminism is—either intentionally or not. How can we think a movement that promotes equality has gone too far when that equality doesn’t exist? Mostly, I think people think that Feminism is just man-hatred dressed up in a movement. Nothing could be further than the truth, imo.
You have said what I have been thinking for a long time and far more eloquently than I could. Of course feminism isn’t about hating men. It’s about making space for women in a world designed by and for men.
Like I’m left-handed so I live in a world designed for right-handers. I don’t hate right-handed people, I just need some adaptations (like left handed scissors or cheque books) to make my life that little bit easier.
Thank you, Dina ❤️
Re "man- hating: Why in the HELL would we NOT hate a demographic that we can't trust not to rape, assault, or even kill us without provocation?
I've written before about the fact that we don't--that many women (not all?) continue to chose to love men, to raise families with them despite all the fuckery should be proof enough that Feminism is not misandry. And yes, we deserve a medal for that.
Well written indeed!
IF a man would read this and do so with an open mind, (so many ‘ifs’) some opportunities for learning and making growth might happen. I need to try to remember some of your analogies for future conversations. THANK YOU!
Thank you for reading! I hope it helps to lay out that even though these things are not intentional, you’re still the beneficiary. No one likes to think they’re the villain in the story.
Thank you for another fire essay. You know, I've been feeling in my bones, "Yes it is! It IS all men." I don't know how the topic could be stated more clearly, and I'll be using these metaphors from now until I die. Also, I'll be sharing this essay with my retired-age feminism class.
I would love to know what your class thinks!
A few weeks ago, I attended a preview event of a PBS show called “Rematriated Voices.” It is a 5 part series developed in coordination between the Haudenosaunee and Syracuse University. The host is Michelle Schenandoah. The Haudenosaunee are the longest continuous democratic society to have lived on this planet. Their political structure was studied by the founding fathers who were developing the U.S. Constitution. Unfortunately a lot of their beliefs were discarded in favor of white colonial patriarchy. If you are able to locate and view this show, I highly recommend it. The Haudenosaunee are matrilineal and when you look at their history compared to white washed American history, it’s hard to not be envious of how they navigate the world, even in these challenging times.
Thank you for that recommendation. I will definitely look for it!
I'm eager to watch that series! Thanks for the tip.
Dina, I've got five daughters. Five. So I've watched this up close for a long time now,which road gets maintained and which one doesn't. Which one has the lights on.
The road analogy is the one that gets you. You don't have to be driving fast or cutting anybody off. You just got the better road. Built before you got there. Paved whether you deserved it or not.
I know which road I'm on. My girls know which one they're on. That's not something a decent man gets to look away from.
Good piece. The kind that sits with you whether you want it to or not.
You know, when I had kids, I just assumed I'd have daughters who'd be raised as fierce little Feminists. Of course, the universe saw fit to gift me with two boys. And it finally occurred to me that the most Feminist thing I could do is raise Feminist boys who were able to make some changes in the master's house, as it were. Acknowledging that there are structural differences is so huge--not to feel guilt, but to work toward something like road parity.
That's the reframe right there. That's the whole thing.
I've got five daughters and two boys. So I've been sitting with both sides of this for a long time. I want my daughters to have every inch of road they're owed. And I want my sons to be the kind of men who already know why that matters before anyone has to explain it to them.
Because a fierce feminist daughter who runs into a world full of men who were never asked to think about any of this,that's a hard road. But a son who sees the pavement clearly, who knows which road he's on and why, who doesn't need guilt to motivate him but just basic human decency and clear eyes,that changes something structural. That's work that compounds.
You didn't get the fierce little feminists you planned for. You got something maybe more useful. Two boys who might just know where the paving crew shows up and where it doesn't.
That's not consolation. That's a different kind of gift. I'm still figuring out how to give it properly myself.
Sing, Sister, sing. This is the piece on Not All Men I've been longing to read. May it go far and wide.
There have been SO MANY great pieces about all of this recently, it's been hard to keep up. I feel like with each one we're breaking off a piece of rot, until we can get down to the foundation and build something else.
I agree. We are in the “seeing it” phase of changing things. Once we’ve seen it all, we will never go back. The genie is out of the bottle for good now,
Now I feel very guilty, because my husband is 6'9", the world was definitely not built for his height, and I sometimes complain about how his request to raise our doorways is going to mess up the architectural lines of our house...
Everyone deserves vaulted ceilings ;-).
I don't know how you do it, but you nailed it again!
Also, sorry it took me so long, but I just ordered your new book. I love the phrase "Gen X Jordache jeans" in the description. The piece I (finally) have out on submission now has Jordache jeans in the first sentence! Iconic.
Jordache jeans play an outsize role in my mythologized childhood. And thank you. x
Same!
Thank you!
That was a perfect explanation as to what the patriarchy actually is,
Thanks for taking the time to read it!