One of our biggest miners, up around where I live, has just been hit with a class action suit about sexual harassment and assault endured by women employees. An academic here, Dr Skye Charry (Saunders), specialises in sexual harassment and assault in mine sites and regional, remote and rural areas. Her work is vital.
Men talk a lot about protecting women. A. Lot.
I have never been protected by a man. Countless women, yes, but never a man. And now we have to be wary of every man wearing glasses.
But for those men who believe themselves so courageous, so virtuous, so dependable and protective - who are you protecting us from?
Thank you for the tag, Dina; I appreciate your work more than you know.
You've made me cry a bit. In my line of work, it's maddeningly rare that anyone listens to my random musings or opinions. In person, I'm rather tangential and have been warned of my lack of word economy. The fact that anyone has created something from conversations with me... I don't know what to do with that. Thank you x
Again, thank you--for the thoughtful reading and comments, for engaging, for pushing me to look beyond and from a slightly different angle. It's one of the things I like the most about the platform, the hive mind that buzzes inside each of us.
Also - the vast majority of the time, the male idea of "protecting" women is locking women up. Reining them in. Restricting their freedom. On an instinctual level, it's not actually the woman they're protecting; what men are protecting is their exclusive reproductive rights.
Real protection would mean ensuring more freedom, not less.
Ohhh yes, my male colleagues think telling me “don’t go out on walks” “don’t go running here or there” is the right choice to take. Stay home, instead. Compromise your health, because there might be a horrible man. I swear, my intuition often times feels enough to save me. I will live free.
I'm with you! When I was young I used to love hiking alone. I would drive cross country sleeping in my car. When people were concerned for my safety, I answered, "I refuse to be raped before I'm raped." To me, living in fear of rape all the time would be like constantly being raped a little - in my mind. I didn't want to live that way.
Luckily nothing bad ever happened to me and I enjoyed lots of adventures. But if I had been assaulted, I would have accepted that as the price of my freedom. For me, it was better than locking myself up in advance and not living fully.
When Vaclav Havel was asked how he fought back against an oppressive government, he replied, "We live as if we are free." Even so, he did jail time. I took that philosophy to heart. He refused to let them imprison his mind in fear.
I understand this is not the philosophy for everyone, but it gave me a good life.
The proudest I have been of my son was when he told me about a high school party he was at. He went into the woods to smoke pot with some kids and one of the girls passed out from drinking. Everyone else decided to leave her there and take off. He convinced one of the other guys to help him carry her up a hill back to the house. He called her mother from there and saw she got safely home. He was outraged at the attitude of the others. This girl was tiny, 80 lbs. soaking wet. God knows what might have happened if he had not been there. Whatever else I did wrong as a parent, at least I raised a righteous man.
This lands squarely in front of a recently-watched episode of “Law & Order,” where the policewoman corners the fleeing murder-rapist and I shout from my comfy chair, “Shoot his dick off!”
OMG, I love this comment. I mean, I'm sure I'll get roasted for saying that, but yeah. Cut his dick off has come out of my mouth more than a few times. But honestly, sometimes it's like what the fuck else are you going to understand? Nothing else works.
At the age of 6, I was made aware that men could hurt me and that no man (like my dad) would ever defend me from harm. I learned to trust women only. Still do. Men, I'm talking actual male friends, have let me down, justifying their misogyny by telling me "you're not like that" as if that was the hall pass they needed.
I've been reading a lot about climate destruction and how women and children will bear the cost of this, often with their lives.
This piece is definitely bringing up a lot of emotions in me. All of them accompanied by images of Judiths Amazons and Kalis. The idea that men are protectors is laughable and has always been laughable. This tracks with the stories of the Big Sky Daddy who is “all loving and beneficent” except when he’s smiting, drowning, inciting massacres and rapes and insisting on human sacrifice to wipe out “sins.”Yes, I said it. It’s all tied together along with that elixir of aggression-testosterone- that the pathetic Kegsbreath wants our soldiers jacked up on. I’ve had it. I’ve had it deep, deep down. The horrible attack in the Oregon park reminded me of the bonobos - except the perpetrator got off with a slap on the wrist instead of… well… you know. I’ve been thinking more and more that women are not feared enough. We are not feared, so they do not stop. Anyway, brilliant piece and so damn true. Every word, Dina.
The picture at the bottom was my view of Judith in the Uffizi. It’s the 2nd time I’ve been lucky enough to see the painting in the flesh and she is stunning. (It also made me happy that in a room full of Caravaggios, she had the most fans). Judith energy.
True. But they do know our power when we speak as one. And act together. Which is one of the reasons “women’s talk” is called gossip, rather than “women sharing information network”.
We are taught not to develop our muscles. God forbid we get "bulky"! We are discouraged from learning the martial arts. Don't want to scare men off! 😂😂😂
We are encouraged to be as small as possible. That means weak. Lack of food = lack of energy. Minimal muscle = cold, weak. It makes us need them for stuff we could do if physical strength wasn't stigmatized as masculine. Prehistoric bones show robust attachment areas, indicating vigorous use of the muscles attached there, regardless of the presumed sex of the skeleton. I'm veering into rant territory, so I'll stop there.
I live in Portland OR and can attest to the truth of the story of the park / trail assaults. Those women exhibiting pack mentality inspire us all. Sisterhoods save lives. 💪🏾💪🏼💪🏿💪💪🏻
THIS!!!: My 6’5” son knows that if any young woman in his group is alone, he gets them home, even if it means he’s late, even if it means he has to wait for the next train.
If only every parent could say that. You should be beyond proud.
When I just wanted to do some fun things by myself when I was younger- I learned to act strange and off putting in certain situations- especially in public where creepy behavior gets zeroed in on faster by others. Yelling “f#$k off” extra loud or “ewwww, you smell like ass, get away from me!”
Even at a rock concert w a date in a small venue, I stomped on a guy’s toes who was standing behind me, trying to grope me several times while everyone was into the music. I treasure the memory of what happened to him. Why? Not only did I stomp on his chucks wearing a high heeled boot, he thought it was the guy to my left. He began to start swinging punches, and bouncers had him out in less than 30 seconds. He didn’t even realize it was lil ole spiteful me. To this day, I hope every time he wants to do something creepy or gross, his toes and foot flare up in pain.
I’ve told my young adult nieces- be loud and stick w safe friends. But if separated, be ready to take zero crap from a potential creep, be mindful of your beverages, don’t hand them your phone or keys, and as a last resort scream, “Oh no, I think I have diarrhea! It’s coming out!” and run, holding your butt towards a bathroom, exit, etc.
Be difficult for them. Learn to retrain yourself from fawning, or not wanting to seem rude. Who cares? If he’s creepy, blowing past your boundaries, you do what you must to get away, get him caught or make it so not fun for him he goes away, hopefully to go fuckity bye and rethink his choices.
Like that gang of ladies did to the trail predator- make it so his balls retract like he’s swimming in icy water if he ever thinks of trying to do that ever again. If men won’t hold other men wholly accountable for their gross behavior, as pathetic and cowardly as that is, welp, welcome to the somewhat new world (Victorian women had long sharp hat pins for self defense that were later unsurprisingly, outlawed by men) where women will adapt and do what we must to reclaim our right to walk trails, watch concerts, go shopping, dance at a club, eat at restaurants, read books outside, etc - just live our lives without harassment, assault, and other negative crap we’ve been dealing with since time immemorial. We will become “those bitches.”
I am halfway in love with the idea that you have a vaguely voodoo wish for flaring foot pain for the asshole who thought he could get away with groping in a crowd. I hope he suffers from plantar fasciitis. Teaching girls that they don't need to be nice and placate boys/men is important--and just as, if not more important, is teaching boys and men they are not entitled to politeness from women (and thanks, you might have just given me a new essay idea). The hat pins reminds me of places where it's illegal to carry mace/pepper spray or those knuckle buster key rings. We sure do seem to make it hard for women to protect themselves and easy for men to harm them, don't we? Time to bring back the hat pin?
Your writing inspires me so much. It goes straight to my heart. Women pulling together, fighting together, fills my heart to overflowing. Women fighting together are a force.
I have two sons. They're white, tall, middle-class, educated with educated parents who are still married. They're financially stable and able to fail without worrying they'll be without a home or food. As we tell them, they are pretty close to the top rung of privilege--like half a rung below. And we have drilled into them that they should find ways to use that privilege for good. There's no point in feeling guilty about it--they didn't chose the circumstances of their lives, but the absolutely can use what they have to make things more equitable and safer for others. Not only can they, we expect them too. Making sure the young women they know are safe is the the least they can do (but I am still proud they do it).
Brilliant writing - crushing theme. And Artemisia Gentileschi. And I just heard that your country folk are going to be tested for testosterone. It’s so necessary. Clearly.
Phew. That painting. There is so much raw power in there, so much rage. It's a sight to behold. And the testosterone. I think they want more rape babies, if I'm being honest. And some sort of Avenger soldier that lives only in Pete Hegseth's fucked up imagination.
Thank you, Dina. Most of those protector-men keep the word "bitch," in their back pocket, ever at the ready, whenever their worldview tells them that you are being difficult, that what you want would break the whole system they sit atop. Threaten that, and see how much protection there is. I love the discussion of two-by-two. It's how we do, if you'll forgive the rhyme. And then they want to make fun of that, talk smack about it, and take it away.
I find that people often ridicule what they don't understand. And I don't think that the majority of men understand women. At all. Let alone why we move in pairs.
My kids' dad knew. He had 3 sisters. He told our oldest: "Go together. Go with mom, your sister, your cousins, your friends. Two is safer than one. Three is even better. "
I think they come from such a different place they don’t understand living in danger all the time. And the ones who are the creepiest are the ones that think we are over reacting. It’s stunning sometimes, as in “how can you not know?
And buried in there is the devastating truth that we--men and women--go into almost every situation *not* believing women. Despite the hashtags and the platitudes, too many people still just assume that women are lying, exaggerating, making shit up, making mountains out of molehills. About everything. You can see it happening in real life.
This is the self-regulating part of patriarchy, the worldview (mythic, if you will) part that makes every decision, large and small, personal and systemic, until all the decisions are the system, even the personal. Everyone walking around in a trance. Everything depends upon it. If we believed women, truly let the horror of what we are pointing to in, let it land and hurt us in the deep way it should, the whole system would collapse. Which, not coincidentally, mirrors the complete systemic collapse we are in now. Once enough of us have seen it, I hope we reach a tipping point. This devastatingly inhumane system should collapse. It's violence in principle, in motion, as an ethos.
Having been harassed and objectified for most of my almost-74 years, I love this essay!! I’d like to add that I DO NOT need “protection” from trans women in the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter. Trans women, as far as I’m concerned, are women just like me. They have already had to suffer greatly even before this fresh hell was unleashed on them, and deserve as much respect and care as any of us do.
"Or, bizarrely, oil rigs and mines."
One of our biggest miners, up around where I live, has just been hit with a class action suit about sexual harassment and assault endured by women employees. An academic here, Dr Skye Charry (Saunders), specialises in sexual harassment and assault in mine sites and regional, remote and rural areas. Her work is vital.
Men talk a lot about protecting women. A. Lot.
I have never been protected by a man. Countless women, yes, but never a man. And now we have to be wary of every man wearing glasses.
But for those men who believe themselves so courageous, so virtuous, so dependable and protective - who are you protecting us from?
Thank you for the tag, Dina; I appreciate your work more than you know.
I’ve got at least 3 essays sitting in my draft folder that stemmed from conversations we’ve had in the comment section. The feeling is mutual.
Also…the glasses. AI is going make life even worse for women, that’s just one way.
You've made me cry a bit. In my line of work, it's maddeningly rare that anyone listens to my random musings or opinions. In person, I'm rather tangential and have been warned of my lack of word economy. The fact that anyone has created something from conversations with me... I don't know what to do with that. Thank you x
Again, thank you--for the thoughtful reading and comments, for engaging, for pushing me to look beyond and from a slightly different angle. It's one of the things I like the most about the platform, the hive mind that buzzes inside each of us.
Also - the vast majority of the time, the male idea of "protecting" women is locking women up. Reining them in. Restricting their freedom. On an instinctual level, it's not actually the woman they're protecting; what men are protecting is their exclusive reproductive rights.
Real protection would mean ensuring more freedom, not less.
100%. The protection is both conditional and related to access to women's bodies, just like you say.
Ohhh yes, my male colleagues think telling me “don’t go out on walks” “don’t go running here or there” is the right choice to take. Stay home, instead. Compromise your health, because there might be a horrible man. I swear, my intuition often times feels enough to save me. I will live free.
I'm with you! When I was young I used to love hiking alone. I would drive cross country sleeping in my car. When people were concerned for my safety, I answered, "I refuse to be raped before I'm raped." To me, living in fear of rape all the time would be like constantly being raped a little - in my mind. I didn't want to live that way.
Luckily nothing bad ever happened to me and I enjoyed lots of adventures. But if I had been assaulted, I would have accepted that as the price of my freedom. For me, it was better than locking myself up in advance and not living fully.
When Vaclav Havel was asked how he fought back against an oppressive government, he replied, "We live as if we are free." Even so, he did jail time. I took that philosophy to heart. He refused to let them imprison his mind in fear.
I understand this is not the philosophy for everyone, but it gave me a good life.
The proudest I have been of my son was when he told me about a high school party he was at. He went into the woods to smoke pot with some kids and one of the girls passed out from drinking. Everyone else decided to leave her there and take off. He convinced one of the other guys to help him carry her up a hill back to the house. He called her mother from there and saw she got safely home. He was outraged at the attitude of the others. This girl was tiny, 80 lbs. soaking wet. God knows what might have happened if he had not been there. Whatever else I did wrong as a parent, at least I raised a righteous man.
You did brilliantly, Mama. These are the kind of boys that will help us change the narrative.
This lands squarely in front of a recently-watched episode of “Law & Order,” where the policewoman corners the fleeing murder-rapist and I shout from my comfy chair, “Shoot his dick off!”
OMG, I love this comment. I mean, I'm sure I'll get roasted for saying that, but yeah. Cut his dick off has come out of my mouth more than a few times. But honestly, sometimes it's like what the fuck else are you going to understand? Nothing else works.
At the age of 6, I was made aware that men could hurt me and that no man (like my dad) would ever defend me from harm. I learned to trust women only. Still do. Men, I'm talking actual male friends, have let me down, justifying their misogyny by telling me "you're not like that" as if that was the hall pass they needed.
I've been reading a lot about climate destruction and how women and children will bear the cost of this, often with their lives.
It's hard to keep the old chin up these days.
We'll help you keep the chin up. That's what we do, right?
This piece is definitely bringing up a lot of emotions in me. All of them accompanied by images of Judiths Amazons and Kalis. The idea that men are protectors is laughable and has always been laughable. This tracks with the stories of the Big Sky Daddy who is “all loving and beneficent” except when he’s smiting, drowning, inciting massacres and rapes and insisting on human sacrifice to wipe out “sins.”Yes, I said it. It’s all tied together along with that elixir of aggression-testosterone- that the pathetic Kegsbreath wants our soldiers jacked up on. I’ve had it. I’ve had it deep, deep down. The horrible attack in the Oregon park reminded me of the bonobos - except the perpetrator got off with a slap on the wrist instead of… well… you know. I’ve been thinking more and more that women are not feared enough. We are not feared, so they do not stop. Anyway, brilliant piece and so damn true. Every word, Dina.
The picture at the bottom was my view of Judith in the Uffizi. It’s the 2nd time I’ve been lucky enough to see the painting in the flesh and she is stunning. (It also made me happy that in a room full of Caravaggios, she had the most fans). Judith energy.
Or is it because they do fear us?
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.azquotes.com%2Fvangogh-image-quotes%2F59%2F48%2FQuotation-Bell-Hooks-Sometimes-people-try-to-destroy-you-precisely-because-they-recognize-59-48-27.jpg&tbnid=VrJojz_vpE6knM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.azquotes.com%2Fauthor%2F6871-Bell_Hooks&docid=VF6YlKhydA8RtM&w=1200&h=640&hl=en-gb&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm4%2F1&kgs=f36d50f6cc9105e2&shem=epsd1%2Cnisbtsa2%2Cnisbtsal%2Crimspwouoe
Otherwise why would we be constrained, restrained and constantly attacked?
True. Good point Fear on a psychological level. But they feel confident in their physical prowess. Which is why they’re obsessed with that.
True. But they do know our power when we speak as one. And act together. Which is one of the reasons “women’s talk” is called gossip, rather than “women sharing information network”.
Nice to meet you, Elizabeth x
We are taught not to develop our muscles. God forbid we get "bulky"! We are discouraged from learning the martial arts. Don't want to scare men off! 😂😂😂
We are encouraged to be as small as possible. That means weak. Lack of food = lack of energy. Minimal muscle = cold, weak. It makes us need them for stuff we could do if physical strength wasn't stigmatized as masculine. Prehistoric bones show robust attachment areas, indicating vigorous use of the muscles attached there, regardless of the presumed sex of the skeleton. I'm veering into rant territory, so I'll stop there.
Great comment and true. Look at the starvation “beauty trend” these days. Rant away! I love it.
I live in Portland OR and can attest to the truth of the story of the park / trail assaults. Those women exhibiting pack mentality inspire us all. Sisterhoods save lives. 💪🏾💪🏼💪🏿💪💪🏻
This is amazing.
THIS!!!: My 6’5” son knows that if any young woman in his group is alone, he gets them home, even if it means he’s late, even if it means he has to wait for the next train.
If only every parent could say that. You should be beyond proud.
Thank you. We are proud!
Hi Cathy ?🤞🏻
My god, Dina, you can write your butt off. I didn't even finish, I was already highlighting.
Well that made my damn day, Linda. Thank you.
When I just wanted to do some fun things by myself when I was younger- I learned to act strange and off putting in certain situations- especially in public where creepy behavior gets zeroed in on faster by others. Yelling “f#$k off” extra loud or “ewwww, you smell like ass, get away from me!”
Even at a rock concert w a date in a small venue, I stomped on a guy’s toes who was standing behind me, trying to grope me several times while everyone was into the music. I treasure the memory of what happened to him. Why? Not only did I stomp on his chucks wearing a high heeled boot, he thought it was the guy to my left. He began to start swinging punches, and bouncers had him out in less than 30 seconds. He didn’t even realize it was lil ole spiteful me. To this day, I hope every time he wants to do something creepy or gross, his toes and foot flare up in pain.
I’ve told my young adult nieces- be loud and stick w safe friends. But if separated, be ready to take zero crap from a potential creep, be mindful of your beverages, don’t hand them your phone or keys, and as a last resort scream, “Oh no, I think I have diarrhea! It’s coming out!” and run, holding your butt towards a bathroom, exit, etc.
Be difficult for them. Learn to retrain yourself from fawning, or not wanting to seem rude. Who cares? If he’s creepy, blowing past your boundaries, you do what you must to get away, get him caught or make it so not fun for him he goes away, hopefully to go fuckity bye and rethink his choices.
Like that gang of ladies did to the trail predator- make it so his balls retract like he’s swimming in icy water if he ever thinks of trying to do that ever again. If men won’t hold other men wholly accountable for their gross behavior, as pathetic and cowardly as that is, welp, welcome to the somewhat new world (Victorian women had long sharp hat pins for self defense that were later unsurprisingly, outlawed by men) where women will adapt and do what we must to reclaim our right to walk trails, watch concerts, go shopping, dance at a club, eat at restaurants, read books outside, etc - just live our lives without harassment, assault, and other negative crap we’ve been dealing with since time immemorial. We will become “those bitches.”
I am halfway in love with the idea that you have a vaguely voodoo wish for flaring foot pain for the asshole who thought he could get away with groping in a crowd. I hope he suffers from plantar fasciitis. Teaching girls that they don't need to be nice and placate boys/men is important--and just as, if not more important, is teaching boys and men they are not entitled to politeness from women (and thanks, you might have just given me a new essay idea). The hat pins reminds me of places where it's illegal to carry mace/pepper spray or those knuckle buster key rings. We sure do seem to make it hard for women to protect themselves and easy for men to harm them, don't we? Time to bring back the hat pin?
Search kubiton key ring. Works on pressure and pulse points.
Hat pin, brooch pin, button pin, all the pins in my book. Whatever works.
Your writing inspires me so much. It goes straight to my heart. Women pulling together, fighting together, fills my heart to overflowing. Women fighting together are a force.
Much like the opening scene of Wonder Woman, that made me a little misty. Thank you, @R Albro.
When you mentioned your son, I teared up. What a gift to his friends, that they know they can count on him. Nice work there.
I have two sons. They're white, tall, middle-class, educated with educated parents who are still married. They're financially stable and able to fail without worrying they'll be without a home or food. As we tell them, they are pretty close to the top rung of privilege--like half a rung below. And we have drilled into them that they should find ways to use that privilege for good. There's no point in feeling guilty about it--they didn't chose the circumstances of their lives, but the absolutely can use what they have to make things more equitable and safer for others. Not only can they, we expect them too. Making sure the young women they know are safe is the the least they can do (but I am still proud they do it).
Brilliant writing - crushing theme. And Artemisia Gentileschi. And I just heard that your country folk are going to be tested for testosterone. It’s so necessary. Clearly.
Phew. That painting. There is so much raw power in there, so much rage. It's a sight to behold. And the testosterone. I think they want more rape babies, if I'm being honest. And some sort of Avenger soldier that lives only in Pete Hegseth's fucked up imagination.
This was an awesome piece! Thank you for writing and sharing it!
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!
Thank you, Dina. Most of those protector-men keep the word "bitch," in their back pocket, ever at the ready, whenever their worldview tells them that you are being difficult, that what you want would break the whole system they sit atop. Threaten that, and see how much protection there is. I love the discussion of two-by-two. It's how we do, if you'll forgive the rhyme. And then they want to make fun of that, talk smack about it, and take it away.
I find that people often ridicule what they don't understand. And I don't think that the majority of men understand women. At all. Let alone why we move in pairs.
My kids' dad knew. He had 3 sisters. He told our oldest: "Go together. Go with mom, your sister, your cousins, your friends. Two is safer than one. Three is even better. "
I think they come from such a different place they don’t understand living in danger all the time. And the ones who are the creepiest are the ones that think we are over reacting. It’s stunning sometimes, as in “how can you not know?
And buried in there is the devastating truth that we--men and women--go into almost every situation *not* believing women. Despite the hashtags and the platitudes, too many people still just assume that women are lying, exaggerating, making shit up, making mountains out of molehills. About everything. You can see it happening in real life.
This is the self-regulating part of patriarchy, the worldview (mythic, if you will) part that makes every decision, large and small, personal and systemic, until all the decisions are the system, even the personal. Everyone walking around in a trance. Everything depends upon it. If we believed women, truly let the horror of what we are pointing to in, let it land and hurt us in the deep way it should, the whole system would collapse. Which, not coincidentally, mirrors the complete systemic collapse we are in now. Once enough of us have seen it, I hope we reach a tipping point. This devastatingly inhumane system should collapse. It's violence in principle, in motion, as an ethos.
Having been harassed and objectified for most of my almost-74 years, I love this essay!! I’d like to add that I DO NOT need “protection” from trans women in the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter. Trans women, as far as I’m concerned, are women just like me. They have already had to suffer greatly even before this fresh hell was unleashed on them, and deserve as much respect and care as any of us do.